6 weeks later...

The previous blog post was written just after Sawyer was born, I've since had some time to reflect on things, think about things, start to heal emotionally and physically (ya know, when I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off because being a mommy is BUSY!) so here are some musings from the past 6 weeks...writing helps me heal, so some of them might be a little..uhm...bitchy...and kinda scattered too.

The doctor who did my c-section was an ass. He was perfectly nice the first time we met (all of 20 minutes before the c-section) other than the acting like I might die if I don't have a c-section because who could possibly push out a baby bigger than 7.5 lbs...but the truth is, he was an ass. Sawyer was born on a Saturday, on Sunday a different OB from the same practice came to check my incision/check on me (he was really nice, he was honestly the only person I'd felt had listened to anything I was saying up until this point. He seemed genuinely sympathetic that I'd not gotten a vbac and when I explained-and I don't think I was even particularly nice about it-that I was full on pissed that I pretty much felt like I'd been lied to my entire pregnancy because it really seemed like they had no intention of ever letting me try for a vabc, he seemed to actually care that I was upset by the whole thing) ok so anyway, on Sunday the nice OB checked my incision, looked over my chart, asked how I was doing and said "do you want to go home tomorrow?" to which I responded that I thought I was required to stay for 3 days for a c-section, but if they were willing to let me go after 2 days, I would really love to. I missed my own bed and my own [crappy] apartment (no seriously, I can't wait to move, but its better than the hospital) and most of all, I missed my very sweet little 2 year old and I wanted to be home with him. Nice OB said that as long as my incision still looked just as good the next day, I could totally go home. So the next day, Monday, scalpel wielding OB [aka OB who did my c-section] was supposed to come check my incision and either discharge me or not...so its getting later and later and I still haven't been checked on. The nurse came in around 2 or 3 and asked if the OB had been in and I said no, he hadn't. She seemed shocked and mentioned that he'd been there bunches of times that day checking on people [apparently I'd been forgotten about] she came back a little later to tell me she called and he said he'd be over in about an hour. 2 hours later....the OB finally comes in, he stayed for literally like a minutes (no seriously, Bryan went into the bathroom to pee, the OB got there and left before he came out...it was THAT fast) so he comes, does the quickest, roughest check of my incision ever, says "I hear you want to go home" I said yea nice OB from yesterday said I might be able to, I'd love to see my other son. He rips off the dressing from my 2 days old wound without even warning me (OUCH!) then says ok I'll have the nurse come take out your staples and get your out of here...and gone. no "do you have any questions" or "are you healing ok?" or "how are you feeling?" I'd like to know the the F happened to his obnoxiously sweet bedside manner that was present when trying to get me to agree to the c-section..because clearly it no longer existed now that he'd gotten his way and I'd had a c-section...yep, he was an ass.

On the bright side, the anesthesiologist who did my spinal, was seriously one of my most favoritest people ever. 1: he had nothing to do with the forcing of the c-section, he wasn't called in until I'd already signed consent, so I hold him no ill will regarding that. 2: he was freaking hilarious. I don't do needles, and I especially don't do needles shoved up my spine. I was terrified. When I got the epidural with Carson I was having contractions so intense that I was crying through them, so I didn't have the mental capability to feel the epi, I was already in too much pain for it to matter. This time I was literally shaking in fear of getting the spinal and instead of treating my like a pincushion (see Sawyer's birth story to hear my opinions on being a pincushion) he actually cared to calm me down. He was happy and joking with Bryan and I through the whole c-section. He was the kind of person I would expect to meet working in a labor and delivery unit, if every person who worked in L&D had his kind of attitude, I think a lot less people would have crappy experiences. Just wanted you all to know that I don't think EVERYONE there sucked (just most of them)

When Sawyer was 9 days old I was instructed to remove the steri strips from my incision...when I did, I found that they'd left a staple. I know it was an accident...but it was like pouring salt into my [not yet nearly healed] wounds. I had been feeling like the incision hurt WAY more this time than it did with Carson, but had chalked it up to the fact that last time I didn't have a 2 year old to care for. Nope, it was that staple. I felt near immediate relief when it was taken out. I mean, the thing still hurt, but like I remembered it hurting last time...as in I didn't feel like crying every time I moved. So that sucked. Then when he was 3 weeks old I had a superficial tear in my incision. The very top layer of skin separated and bled a bit. That also sucked, they told me I was overdoing it, I asked them exactly how they'd like me to do less when I was home all day with a 2 year old to look after all by myself. I did PLENTY of sitting on my butt letting that kid destroy things so I wouldn't hurt myself, but honestly there are just times when your 2 year old is NOT listening to the word 'no' and is doing something potentially dangerous and you have no choice but to physically remove the kid from the situation. Sorry, but if the choice is hurting myself or my kid getting hurt, I choose hurting myself, every time. I'd like to send this paragraph to the OB who said a c-section was more convenient. Then I'd like to give him a 2 year old to look after for a day all by himself with the explicit instructions that he is absolutely not to pick the kid up. I'd like to see the look on his face when he realizes this means 1. you can't go anywhere because you can't lift the kid into the carseat 2. you can't go to the park 200 feet from your apartment because you can't lift the kid onto the swings and he's not tall enough to get up himself 3. 2 year olds don't always listen to 'no' they also tend to act out when they suddenly have a second human being vying for their mommy's attention that used to be solely theirs, so sometimes they destroy stuff and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'd also like him to have the pain that comes along with an abdominal incision while he tries to make lunch for one kid while holding the baby. Yea...or people could just learn to keep their mouths shut instead of telling people not to over do it when they have no freaking idea what their talking about. My new feeling is that anyone who either doesn't have a uterus or has never had theirs cut open, does NOT get an opinion.

People CAN give birth to big babies. the 'average' size for a baby (as in 50th%ile) is 7.5 lbs. Do you know that that means that 50% of babies are bigger? (just like 50% are smaller) for people that obviously must be smart as they've gone through medical school, sometimes they are seriously idiots....ANY baby bigger than the 50th%ile is considered big, but that means 50% of babies are big...I'm pretty sure that people have been pushing out big babies for oh, all of time? The woman who owns the local yarn shop around here had an almost 12 lb baby naturally, and she's a small woman. Her daughter had a baby a week before me, also and Eugene (but not the midwives I saw, she saw the OB office that ended up doing my c-section. Her baby was born vaginally at 11 lbs 3 oz and when he came out the OB said "its a good thing we didn't do a late ultrasound because I would have insisted on a c-section for size" yep, there is a serious issue with the birthing process if a woman clearly can give birth naturally to big babies (her first was 10 something) but they would insist on a c-section for a big baby. The only reason doctors don't think women can have bigger babies is because they never let them, so they think they can't do it. The concern with big babies is shoulder distocia (the shoulders getting stuck) but the actual medical data supports the fact that shoulder distocia is more common in smaller babies who are induced than bigger babies who's mothers go into labor spontaneously...this is because even though an induced baby might be smaller, it is generally not ready to be born, labor goes more quickly than it would naturally and the baby doesn't get the chance to turn correctly in the birth canal so it gets stuck. A baby who's mother goes into labor spontaneously is less likely to have shoulder distocia because it can correctly maneuver itself on the way out. The medical data totally back this up and yet OBs still think that people can't have big babies because they've never seen it..the OB who delivered the yarn shop lady's daughter said to another OB after the baby was born "I just delivered an 11 lb baby...vaginally!" with all the awe of a kid who just tried candy for the first time...like OMG how amazing is that!?! and the other OB was similarly awestruck. And yet the data shows that [when not induced] bigger babies generally come out on their own without much trouble versus smaller babies who were induced so they wouldn't get too big...see what I mean about really stupid smart people? They call birth the ordinary miracle, and it is...but maybe its also just ordinary and should be treated as such. People seem to treat birth like a medical problem that OB's need to 'fix' like they need to have the OB deliver their baby...but the truth is, people have been having babies since the beginning of time and except in rare cases, nothing needs to be helped or fixed. Other first world countries seem to be able to have babies with WAY fewer c-sections and way fewer deaths (both mom and baby) than the US...maybe its because we treat birth like a problem that needs to be fixed.

If I've learned anything from the whole thing, its this:
If we ever have another baby, and that is a really big 'if', I will be prepared. With Carson I prepared myself for a natural birth, nothing else was an option. And when I ended up with a (completely actually necessary) c-section, it was a let down. In case anyone is wondering, with Carson I developed a high fever 28 hours after my water had broken the fever was caused by something called choreamnioitis (choreo) which is an infection of the uterus, after making no more progress for the next couple hours after developing choreo, the risk of the infection transferring to Carson was too high to continue labor that looked like it wasn't going to progress, so his c-section was totally necessary. With Sawyer I *thought* that I'd truly prepared for everything. I was hopeful that I'd have a successful vbac, but I was realistic about the fact that I might have another necessary c-section, that the same thing that happened with Carson could happen, any other number of things could go wrong that would require a c-section. I was prepared for that. I was NOT prepared for what happened. So, if we ever have another baby I will either find someone who has a record of successful vbacs of bigger babies, who I believe is answering me honestly when I tell them about Sawyer and flat out ask "is this going to be what happens with you?" and I will hire a doula OR I will decide on a scheduled c-section, but it will be MY choice, and I'll own that choice and I wont have to feel like anybody made it but me. But above all else, I will absolutely be prepared.

Also, in case anyone has any friends who have c-sections in the future, here is something you shouldn't say to them:

"well at least you didn't have to push a baby out you-know-where" well actually, yea the pushing part probably sucks (not that I'd know) and if you tear that is probably plenty painful. BUT I would bet that if you asked ANYONE who's had both a natural delivery and c-section, that they were recovered from the natural delivery much faster than the c-section. I would absolutely trade the [what I'm sure is excruciating] pain of pushing a kid out for the also excruciating recovery from a c-section.

But most importantly out of everything...even though I still believe that I should be able to have a healthy baby AND a birthing experience that I'm happy with....I would've done absolutely anything to have my sweet baby Sawyer; be it pushing him out or being sliced open.

Sawyer's Birth Story

Its taken some time for me to even be ready to post this and put it all out there, but this is Sawyer's birth story as I wrote it when he was just a few days old...

Sawyer’s birth story starts a long time before his actual birth. When I first found out I was pregnant with Sawyer, I spoke to the OB who delivered Carson about the possibility of a vbac. The OB office said that I was probably a pretty decent candidate for a vbac, being that my issue was uterine infection and not something like getting to 10 cm and the baby being too big to push out (as this would make the chances of a successful vbac less likely) but because they were a smaller practice at a hospital with a smaller nicu, they very rarely take vbac patients and pretty much they only take “sure thing” vbacs, like a mom who never labored the first time but had a c-section for something like a transverse or breech baby.

So I sought a second opinion at a midwifery an hour away in Eugene. I went to my consultation appointment with them, with all of my records from Carson’s birth, and they told me I was a good candidate for vbac. I asked about their procedures for vbac patients and mentioned that I would not be willing to discuss a repeat c-section until 41 weeks along unless there was some medical reason to do one prior (like a problem with that baby or my health) they agreed to this. With everything seemingly all figured out, I transferred my care to them from the OB I saw with Carson.

My pregnancy went relatively unremarkably. I had a lot of morning sickness, just like I’d had with Carson, but aside from that Sawyer and I were very healthy the whole time. I did have a couple of extra ultrasounds toward the end of my pregnancy just to check on his size, he was measuring on the big side, which was to be expected since Carson was 9 lbs 3 oz and Bryan and I are both tall people.

Suddenly at my 39 week prenatal appointment, the midwife said they wanted me to schedule a c-section for my due date. I declined and said that from the beginning we had discussed not even talking about a repeat c-section until 41 weeks since Carson was overdue and there is really no medical reason for one. I was quite shocked that they even mentioned it, and especially shocked that they seemed to be really pushing for it. I was told that the baby was measuring big (no surprise) but as he and I were healthy I saw no reason for a scheduled elective c-section. I even asked them if I were a first time mom or a mom who’d previously had a vaginal delivery rather than a c-section if they’d even be considering a c-section, they said no. So truly the only reason for a c-section was that I’d had one before, which sort of begged the question of why the heck they took me as a vbac patient in the first place…

At 40 weeks they did an NST, which Sawyer passed with flying colors, he and I were both extremely healthy, but again because he was big, they were really pushing for c-section. I told them I would speak with the OB about it at the appointment I had scheduled with him the following Tuesday (at 40 weeks 6 days) as planned if I had not gone into labor before that. They insisted on changing my appointment to Friday (40 weeks 2 days) without asking me, they just said “this is when your appointment is” unfortunately for them, living an hour away, having only one car and a husband in school and a 2 year old to look after, I couldn’t’ just drop everything to come in when they scheduled me (without asking if it worked) and I told them so, they were less than pleased.

On Saturday, April 23^rd, I woke up just before 4 am and my water broke. My water GUSHED. It was like in the movies. When my water broke with Carson it was an audible ‘pop’ followed by a small trickle…with Sawyer it was a full on flood that didn’t ever seem to end (which I later found out was because he was not engaged at all like Carson, so Carson’s head had acted like a stopper letting only a tiny bit out).

I was group b strep positive again, as I had been with Carson, so off to the hospital we went. For the hour long car ride there I had pretty consistent contractions at 5-6 minutes apart. When we got to the hospital they slowed to more like 7-8 minutes.

The nurse came in as started trying to get my IV started, except I have terrible veins. She tried a few times to get an IV placed with no success, then the midwife came in, without even having checked me yet to see if I was decently dilated she started talking c-section. I still can’t even put into words what I was feeling then aside from what the hell. The midwife tried to get my IV placed, and also failed. She said she was going to go check on another patient while another nurse came to try to place my IV and she would be back once it was in to check me for dilation.

An hour and multiple unsuccessful IV attempts later, the midwife came back, clearly annoyed at how long it was taking to get the IV (she even mentioned she’d been waiting an hour and needed to get back over to the birth center to check on a patient laboring there—its just down the street) honestly at that point I wanted to scream at her that I’d gladly be the one standing around waiting an hour then the one being treated like a pin cushion, but I behaved myself and didn’t say that.

At this point my IV is finally placed (I had been poked 14 times to get an IV placed and blood drawn successfully) and the midwife says to me that she’s spoken with the on call OB, as is standard with a vbac patient, and he is not at all comfortable with me being vbac patient, that he would require internal monitoring rather than external, and that he would want me to have an epidural were I to continue to try to labor, but he would really like me to just have a c-section. I decline the epidural (and I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of over my dead body am I getting an epidural) but if it meant that I could get up and move around and it would get them off my back I’d agree to the internal monitoring.

The midwife also tells me that unless I agree to a c-section the on call OB refuses to even see me unless she was transferring my care from her to him because I was scheduled for a c-section on the 18^th that I didn’t show up for and I was scheduled for an appointment the day before (Friday) that I had cancelled. I quickly informed her that not only would I ABSOLUTELY NEVER have agreed to an elective c-section BEFORE my due date, I was unaware that one had even been scheduled, if I’d known that I’d have told them to kiss my ass because it was not something I was agreeing to without medical reason. And that I didn’t schedule the Friday appointment, it was scheduled for me and unless I was in labor, I could not stop my life to make that appointment time, my husband would be missing enough school when the baby actually came and I couldn’t have him missing more school for any appointment they never even asked me if I could make. She said “so from your perspective you didn’t think you needed to show up to your scheduled c-section” it was everything I had in me not to scream almost every profanity I know at her…but my two year old was in the room, so I simply said that no, not “from my perspective” I did NOT schedule it, and whoever took it upon themselves to schedule it NEVER told me they had (trust me they’d have heard about it) and then I held up my chart for her and pointed out where SHE wrote at my 39 week appointment that “patient declines c-section prior to 4/26” so CLEARLY I didn’t agree to a c-section on the 18^th. And I let her know that I really couldn’t care less if the OB came in, I did not need him to give birth to my child, I thought that’s why I had a midwife. Oh and the part where I had my 40 week prenatal appointment on the 19^th and there was no mention of the c-section that I’d apparently never shown up for.

Then she checked me. I was only 1-2 cm. She tried to place the internal monitor but it came back with blood in it (likely from my not-very-dilated cervix) she got a new one and tried again. The same thing happened. At this point she told me that she would not try again and that because I wasn’t contracting regularly and barely dilated she would normally recommend pitocin but would not give me pitocin without the internal monitoring, which she was not going to try to do again. She wanted me to agree to have the c-section.

Basically she said that

*I probably wouldn’t go into full on labor without pitocin

*she would not give me pitocin without internal monitoring

*she couldn’t do internal monitoring, she was refusing to try again

*If I would not agree to the c-section I was pretty much on my own because she would not do anything whatsoever to alter my labor and she did not want me to vbac.

At this point the only reasons for a c-section is that the baby is big, I had a c-section last time, and so far (the whole 2 hours or so since my water broke) it looked like things were going the same way as with Carson so the labor would “probably” be long and would “probably” end in a c-section anyway…so not real reasons, medically speaking. I flat out told her that if there was anything wrong with Sawyer's or my health that I would be the first one to say ok lets have a c-section, but if we were both healthy than there was no reason for one, she assured me we were both still healthy.

I had been a pin cushion for ever an hour, not had a whole lot of sleep, my husband was busy with a rambunctious 2 year old because my parents were still on their way to pick him up (they live far away) and I was pretty much being told agree to a c-section or be on my own. She asked me again to agree to the c-section and I told her I really needed to think about it, I wasn’t going to agree to it yet.

My monitors kept slipping because I was moving around to try to accommodate how they wanted my arms to get a better shot at a successful blood draw. At this point the nurse turns to me assures me that even though the baby’s hr monitor keeps slipping to the 60’s, the baby was not actually having hr issues, the monitor had slipped and was picking up my hr, she then showed me where if showed the dips in Sawyer’s hr and that at the same times they were the same as my hr so he was for sure not having any issues.

The midwife left for about 3 minutes, at the same time my parents showed up, before they even had a chance to take Carson and give Bryan and I a few minutes to ourselves for me to try to process if I wanted to go on with labor or give up, the midwife came back along with the OB, who apparently was told I had agreed to the c-section, even though I absolutely had not. My mom mentions something about the baby sounding great (she could hear him on the now correctly adjusted monitors) and the midwife says “no actually, it doesn’t, its dipped down to the 60s a few times” which was blatantly untrue as I’d just been told minutes before that he was fine and that was my hr on the monitor. [I’ve since seen my records and there is no mention of fetal distress of dips in his hr of any kind, so she was clearly trying to play on my parents emotions to convince me of the c-section]

The OB starts talking about the c-section, I’m bawling my eyes out because it is not what I want and I’m in labor and I feel like nobody is listening to me and everybody is talking to me like a child. This part is honestly a bit of a blur, I just remember vaguely him going over all the ‘reasons’ I should have a c-section. The OB said something about going to start getting ready for the c-section and at this point the nurse must’ve mentioned that she didn’t think I’d actually agreed to a c-section, because he came back over to me and goes “just so we’re on the same page here, you have decided to do the c-section, right?”

I was sitting there, crying so hard, and wishing that I could just have a few minutes by myself to think, and that everyone would stop treating me like I didn’t know anything, and I lost all will to fight for myself. On the inside I was screaming for my parents to go deal with Carson so Bryan could actually be involved and help me (he was busy keeping Carson away from where the nurses had a plethora of needles and everything going on for the blood draw) and for the midwife and OB to leave the hell alone to think and for them to just give me an hour to see if there was any change or progress or anything. I had my parents sitting with me, who clearly thought that the doctors know best and I should agree to the c-section (which I kinda get since the midwife had lied to them and said Sawyer’s hr was dipping even though it wasn’t) in my head I said all the right things, but on the outside all I could do was sob and wish someone would get that they really needed to let the woman who was in labor and SOBBING to just have a minute….but they didn’t and as hard as I tried it was like I just could not get the words out…I agreed to the c-section.

My parents took Carson to the waiting room and the OB, nurses, and midwife all went into getting ready for a c-section mode. I cried a little more, texted a few people to let them know what was going on, and I was taken back to the OR.

I was given a spinal and as soon as I was numb and everything was set up, Bryan was allowed to come back. They ended up having to use the vacuum to get him out, which I’m still kinda pissed about, I mean I don’t totally understand the exact logistics of how they do the c-section, but I’d think they’d just be able to make a little bit bigger incision to get the baby out, its not the same as a vaginal birth where the birth canal is only so big…but anyway. At 10:11am Sawyer Isaiah was born, weighing 10 lbs 7 oz and 22 inches long. He was allowed to stay with me in the OR while I got stitched up, it was something I insisted on, I was supposed to get to hold him but I was so itchy and shaky from the spinal that I was afraid I’d drop him so Bryan just held him right next to me.

We went back to the recovery room after I was stitched up and he was placed on my chest to nurse, which he did amazingly well! A little while later we went to the post partum room and my parents brought Carson in. He is absolutely enamored with his new baby brother.

I am still getting over the whole thing, to be honest, I’m still just mad about the whole thing, and people keep telling me that at least I have a healthy baby, and I really am thankful for that, but I don’t feel like those two things—a healthy baby and a birth I’m happy with—have to be mutually exclusive of each other.

I’ll always have to wonder if I could have done it, and that sucks. And I’ll always have to live with the fact that I should have stood up for myself and asked for more time, for an hour even, just to see what my body might do, to see if it would have been different than last time…but I didn’t stand up for myself, and that’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

And after the fact, I found out that my medical records say that it was an elective c-section with no labor, I can’t really put into words how much that upsets me because it proves that there really was no reason for the c-section.