6 weeks later...

The previous blog post was written just after Sawyer was born, I've since had some time to reflect on things, think about things, start to heal emotionally and physically (ya know, when I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off because being a mommy is BUSY!) so here are some musings from the past 6 weeks...writing helps me heal, so some of them might be a little..uhm...bitchy...and kinda scattered too.

The doctor who did my c-section was an ass. He was perfectly nice the first time we met (all of 20 minutes before the c-section) other than the acting like I might die if I don't have a c-section because who could possibly push out a baby bigger than 7.5 lbs...but the truth is, he was an ass. Sawyer was born on a Saturday, on Sunday a different OB from the same practice came to check my incision/check on me (he was really nice, he was honestly the only person I'd felt had listened to anything I was saying up until this point. He seemed genuinely sympathetic that I'd not gotten a vbac and when I explained-and I don't think I was even particularly nice about it-that I was full on pissed that I pretty much felt like I'd been lied to my entire pregnancy because it really seemed like they had no intention of ever letting me try for a vabc, he seemed to actually care that I was upset by the whole thing) ok so anyway, on Sunday the nice OB checked my incision, looked over my chart, asked how I was doing and said "do you want to go home tomorrow?" to which I responded that I thought I was required to stay for 3 days for a c-section, but if they were willing to let me go after 2 days, I would really love to. I missed my own bed and my own [crappy] apartment (no seriously, I can't wait to move, but its better than the hospital) and most of all, I missed my very sweet little 2 year old and I wanted to be home with him. Nice OB said that as long as my incision still looked just as good the next day, I could totally go home. So the next day, Monday, scalpel wielding OB [aka OB who did my c-section] was supposed to come check my incision and either discharge me or not...so its getting later and later and I still haven't been checked on. The nurse came in around 2 or 3 and asked if the OB had been in and I said no, he hadn't. She seemed shocked and mentioned that he'd been there bunches of times that day checking on people [apparently I'd been forgotten about] she came back a little later to tell me she called and he said he'd be over in about an hour. 2 hours later....the OB finally comes in, he stayed for literally like a minutes (no seriously, Bryan went into the bathroom to pee, the OB got there and left before he came out...it was THAT fast) so he comes, does the quickest, roughest check of my incision ever, says "I hear you want to go home" I said yea nice OB from yesterday said I might be able to, I'd love to see my other son. He rips off the dressing from my 2 days old wound without even warning me (OUCH!) then says ok I'll have the nurse come take out your staples and get your out of here...and gone. no "do you have any questions" or "are you healing ok?" or "how are you feeling?" I'd like to know the the F happened to his obnoxiously sweet bedside manner that was present when trying to get me to agree to the c-section..because clearly it no longer existed now that he'd gotten his way and I'd had a c-section...yep, he was an ass.

On the bright side, the anesthesiologist who did my spinal, was seriously one of my most favoritest people ever. 1: he had nothing to do with the forcing of the c-section, he wasn't called in until I'd already signed consent, so I hold him no ill will regarding that. 2: he was freaking hilarious. I don't do needles, and I especially don't do needles shoved up my spine. I was terrified. When I got the epidural with Carson I was having contractions so intense that I was crying through them, so I didn't have the mental capability to feel the epi, I was already in too much pain for it to matter. This time I was literally shaking in fear of getting the spinal and instead of treating my like a pincushion (see Sawyer's birth story to hear my opinions on being a pincushion) he actually cared to calm me down. He was happy and joking with Bryan and I through the whole c-section. He was the kind of person I would expect to meet working in a labor and delivery unit, if every person who worked in L&D had his kind of attitude, I think a lot less people would have crappy experiences. Just wanted you all to know that I don't think EVERYONE there sucked (just most of them)

When Sawyer was 9 days old I was instructed to remove the steri strips from my incision...when I did, I found that they'd left a staple. I know it was an accident...but it was like pouring salt into my [not yet nearly healed] wounds. I had been feeling like the incision hurt WAY more this time than it did with Carson, but had chalked it up to the fact that last time I didn't have a 2 year old to care for. Nope, it was that staple. I felt near immediate relief when it was taken out. I mean, the thing still hurt, but like I remembered it hurting last time...as in I didn't feel like crying every time I moved. So that sucked. Then when he was 3 weeks old I had a superficial tear in my incision. The very top layer of skin separated and bled a bit. That also sucked, they told me I was overdoing it, I asked them exactly how they'd like me to do less when I was home all day with a 2 year old to look after all by myself. I did PLENTY of sitting on my butt letting that kid destroy things so I wouldn't hurt myself, but honestly there are just times when your 2 year old is NOT listening to the word 'no' and is doing something potentially dangerous and you have no choice but to physically remove the kid from the situation. Sorry, but if the choice is hurting myself or my kid getting hurt, I choose hurting myself, every time. I'd like to send this paragraph to the OB who said a c-section was more convenient. Then I'd like to give him a 2 year old to look after for a day all by himself with the explicit instructions that he is absolutely not to pick the kid up. I'd like to see the look on his face when he realizes this means 1. you can't go anywhere because you can't lift the kid into the carseat 2. you can't go to the park 200 feet from your apartment because you can't lift the kid onto the swings and he's not tall enough to get up himself 3. 2 year olds don't always listen to 'no' they also tend to act out when they suddenly have a second human being vying for their mommy's attention that used to be solely theirs, so sometimes they destroy stuff and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'd also like him to have the pain that comes along with an abdominal incision while he tries to make lunch for one kid while holding the baby. Yea...or people could just learn to keep their mouths shut instead of telling people not to over do it when they have no freaking idea what their talking about. My new feeling is that anyone who either doesn't have a uterus or has never had theirs cut open, does NOT get an opinion.

People CAN give birth to big babies. the 'average' size for a baby (as in 50th%ile) is 7.5 lbs. Do you know that that means that 50% of babies are bigger? (just like 50% are smaller) for people that obviously must be smart as they've gone through medical school, sometimes they are seriously idiots....ANY baby bigger than the 50th%ile is considered big, but that means 50% of babies are big...I'm pretty sure that people have been pushing out big babies for oh, all of time? The woman who owns the local yarn shop around here had an almost 12 lb baby naturally, and she's a small woman. Her daughter had a baby a week before me, also and Eugene (but not the midwives I saw, she saw the OB office that ended up doing my c-section. Her baby was born vaginally at 11 lbs 3 oz and when he came out the OB said "its a good thing we didn't do a late ultrasound because I would have insisted on a c-section for size" yep, there is a serious issue with the birthing process if a woman clearly can give birth naturally to big babies (her first was 10 something) but they would insist on a c-section for a big baby. The only reason doctors don't think women can have bigger babies is because they never let them, so they think they can't do it. The concern with big babies is shoulder distocia (the shoulders getting stuck) but the actual medical data supports the fact that shoulder distocia is more common in smaller babies who are induced than bigger babies who's mothers go into labor spontaneously...this is because even though an induced baby might be smaller, it is generally not ready to be born, labor goes more quickly than it would naturally and the baby doesn't get the chance to turn correctly in the birth canal so it gets stuck. A baby who's mother goes into labor spontaneously is less likely to have shoulder distocia because it can correctly maneuver itself on the way out. The medical data totally back this up and yet OBs still think that people can't have big babies because they've never seen it..the OB who delivered the yarn shop lady's daughter said to another OB after the baby was born "I just delivered an 11 lb baby...vaginally!" with all the awe of a kid who just tried candy for the first time...like OMG how amazing is that!?! and the other OB was similarly awestruck. And yet the data shows that [when not induced] bigger babies generally come out on their own without much trouble versus smaller babies who were induced so they wouldn't get too big...see what I mean about really stupid smart people? They call birth the ordinary miracle, and it is...but maybe its also just ordinary and should be treated as such. People seem to treat birth like a medical problem that OB's need to 'fix' like they need to have the OB deliver their baby...but the truth is, people have been having babies since the beginning of time and except in rare cases, nothing needs to be helped or fixed. Other first world countries seem to be able to have babies with WAY fewer c-sections and way fewer deaths (both mom and baby) than the US...maybe its because we treat birth like a problem that needs to be fixed.

If I've learned anything from the whole thing, its this:
If we ever have another baby, and that is a really big 'if', I will be prepared. With Carson I prepared myself for a natural birth, nothing else was an option. And when I ended up with a (completely actually necessary) c-section, it was a let down. In case anyone is wondering, with Carson I developed a high fever 28 hours after my water had broken the fever was caused by something called choreamnioitis (choreo) which is an infection of the uterus, after making no more progress for the next couple hours after developing choreo, the risk of the infection transferring to Carson was too high to continue labor that looked like it wasn't going to progress, so his c-section was totally necessary. With Sawyer I *thought* that I'd truly prepared for everything. I was hopeful that I'd have a successful vbac, but I was realistic about the fact that I might have another necessary c-section, that the same thing that happened with Carson could happen, any other number of things could go wrong that would require a c-section. I was prepared for that. I was NOT prepared for what happened. So, if we ever have another baby I will either find someone who has a record of successful vbacs of bigger babies, who I believe is answering me honestly when I tell them about Sawyer and flat out ask "is this going to be what happens with you?" and I will hire a doula OR I will decide on a scheduled c-section, but it will be MY choice, and I'll own that choice and I wont have to feel like anybody made it but me. But above all else, I will absolutely be prepared.

Also, in case anyone has any friends who have c-sections in the future, here is something you shouldn't say to them:

"well at least you didn't have to push a baby out you-know-where" well actually, yea the pushing part probably sucks (not that I'd know) and if you tear that is probably plenty painful. BUT I would bet that if you asked ANYONE who's had both a natural delivery and c-section, that they were recovered from the natural delivery much faster than the c-section. I would absolutely trade the [what I'm sure is excruciating] pain of pushing a kid out for the also excruciating recovery from a c-section.

But most importantly out of everything...even though I still believe that I should be able to have a healthy baby AND a birthing experience that I'm happy with....I would've done absolutely anything to have my sweet baby Sawyer; be it pushing him out or being sliced open.